


Washing Machine Heart

by Yumoh



Series: Familia [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Drug Abuse, Gen, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One Sided Love, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 12:28:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17828579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yumoh/pseuds/Yumoh
Summary: Klaus and Ben. Ben and Klaus. An examination of their complex relationship in relations to how Klaus experiences it.





	Washing Machine Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I stayed up most of last night to write this and it is not beta read so I apologize for any mistakes. I really loved this series and I have so many fanfic ideas for this fandom that I plan on working on.

Klaus was always closer with Ben. Luther was always too rule-following and good. Allison was the same but with a mile wide arrogance streak. It was no surprise they followed each other around like lovesick puppies ever since they were kids. Diego was always practicing to be the "perfect” hero while also being a complete Mama's boy. Mom was a robot but if she could have a favorite then it would be him. Five was always doing his experiments or calculations and thought none of them were smart enough to understand him. Vanya was always the outsider and she just couldn’t understand the powers thing. Also she was Father's little helper and wore this blank expression most of the time.

So naturally he was left with Ben, the only sane one in that house. None of the others had powers like their's which were ugly and monstrous. Ben understood what it was like to not enjoy using his powers as he didn't like the feeling of not being himself. He hated that he couldn't control the thing within himself and he was terrified one day that he might end up killing someone innocent on accident if he got too lost in his transformation. Klaus was much the same as a child. He hated seeing the spirits around him all the time. They were terrifying as they all clamoured towards him once they realized that he could hear them or see them. His nannies when he was a baby couldn't handle his wailing and thought it was creepy that he was always looking at things that they couldn’t see but luckily that was all put to a stop when Grace became their "Mom".

Then there were the nightmares that plagued him. Once he slept, any shield on his mind dropped and spirits could drop in uninvited into his dreams if powerful or willful enough. He would wake up screaming and sobbing most nights. There was one time he didn’t sleep for a week straight until Dear Old Dad had him sedated so he didn’t die. When he woke up, it was to Ben's face. One of his hands firmly squeezing Klaus's while the other was stroking his hair. Klaus had thought this was a dream and almost closed his eyes again until Ben spoke.

“You're finally awake,” he smiled before continuing, “I snuck in here to check on you because I heard Dad talking to Pogo about your insomnia.

Klaus's throat was unbelievably dry and he barely managed to croak out, “Why?"

"Here have some water first,” Ben said while bringing a cup of water close so Klaus could sip on it. After Klaus got his fill, Ben countinued, “You're my brother. That's why. We forget too often here that we are siblings not competitors. Plus out of all the stiffs here Klaus, you are the only one around here that can crack a smile. So, brothers?"

Klaus didn't even have to think before saying, "brothers.” He lifted his numb fist in offering and Ben gently fistbumped him back. That was the start to their official friendship that arguably never ended.

Ben became his whole world growing up. He was the one who would climb into bed with him after a really bad nightmare and speak to him in whispers until he went back to sleep. He was the one who stood up for him when the others said his powers were useless for crime fighting. In turn, Klaus was the one who wiped the blood of his first kill off him. He was the one who could get Benii to smile again during his depressive episodes. Klaus always thought that they were forever and that even though the world was shit at least it couldn’t get worse.

He was wrong. Klaus never saw it coming when his dad called him to go on a solo training mission with him. He was only a stupid fucking kid who thought maybe his dad thought he wasn't a useless waste of space. Instead he got a shove to the back into the complete darkness of the mausoleum. The shock stopped him from being able react before the door shut. The spirits came out soon after. Their screams were piercing as they called for him. Their twisted face and deformed bodies coming closer and closer. He didn’t realiize he was screaming until after the fact when he couldn’t speak above a whisper for a week. Even though he knew it was futile, he clawed the doors until his fingers bled. There was a brief moment of hope when his dad opened the door hours and hours later. He took one look at Klaus's face before saying, “You're still scarred of the dead. I'm afraid you will stay here until that look of terror leaves. I'll be back in 3 hours." This continued as Klaus slowly began to lose what little marbles he had left. The tears stopped as he became too deydrated. His whole body vibrated with tremors as he rocked catatonically back and forth trying to comfort himself. However he couldn't escape them because they were everywhere whether his eyes were open or not. Klaus wanted to somehow crawl out of his skin and be anywhere but here.

By the time he got out of there, he was half way to the looney bin. Dad brought him back after Klaus bashed his own head into a wall trying to silence the voices. This time when he woke up it was also to Ben but he was crying softly. Klaus whispered, “Ben.”

“What happened?” Ben said, “Dad said you got sick on the mission but he never said anything about a head injury.”

“When was Dad ever truthful.” Klaus said before letting out a dry chuckle that turned into an agonizing coughing fit soon enough. Ben rubbed his back the entire time. Klaus relished the warm pressure of his hand which felt like his only tether to this world. That night was the first time he noticed Ben as something more.

Klaus was not straight. That was he came to learn very quickly as he became a teenager. It wasn’t surprising and instead felt fitting as just another thing about him that wasn't normal. He started to sneak out at night and go parties. One of these nights, he had his first kiss with this guy who introduced him to all his favorite vices. Sure he hadn’t had feelings for this guy but he was a fun distraction. It was barely two weeks into their fling before the guy accidentally overdosed at his 3rd rave of the night. He didn’t find out until the guy's spirit appeared before him when he went over to look for him at his usual hangout. Honestly he was one of the chillest spirits ever and told him about the secret stash of drugs that he let Klaus have.

That was the start to his drug abuse taking a turn for the worst. Ben started to question him about the blood shot eyes, lack of focus, and shaky hands. But Klaus kept pushing him away. He wished Ben would go away so that maybe then this love that he had for him would go away. That maybe if Ben hated him then his stupid stubborn heart would give up this pointless feeling. He tried to erase his thoughts of Ben's lips, hands, and touch by doing every drug and person that he could get his hands on. But sure enough he still wished that it was Ben who was kissing him or Ben who was next to him in bed. Missions got harder as he couldn’t care less about whatever rescue mission they were on when he was high as a kite. Dad realized he had a problem and tried to confiscate all his supply but Klaus just got better at smuggling it in. His other siblings began to distance themselves more from him and so he started to act out more and more. If they didn’t care for him then at least he would make it impossible for them to look away from his self destruction.

When Five disappeared, whatever teamwork they had started to really crumble. He had been Father's favorite as he was the smartest and had the most control over his powers. Everyone mourned in different ways but they all started to drift further from each other. Luther and Allison clung tighter to each other which was bond to be disastrous. Vanya stopped coming out of her room with only the mournful sounds of her violin to indicate she was actually still alive in there. Diego threw himself into training more. Ben became even less tolerant of Klaus's addiction as he couldn't afford to lose another brother. However Klaus reacted by doing more and more drugs because he was terrified that Five would appear before him dead.

He didn’t really start to his rock bottom until he realized that if he dosed himself to the gills that the voices stopped. That was when he started to just never sober up. All the pain and angst dissipated. How can you be upset about being in love with your straight adopted brother and your family hating you when you can't even tell what day of the week it was? It came with its downsides though as his addiction became pricier and pricier and it became harder and harder to steal pawnable objects. He did many a desperate act to get what he needed. Things that he would never tell another human soul even Ben. Klaus rationalized that anything beat the voices and he had no other choice really.

Ben tried to hold him together. He forced Klaus to eat regularly and shower. When Klaus would stumble through his bedroom window, Ben would be there to tuck him in and take off his shoes. Not to say that Ben was happy to be doing this. Ben would furrow his brow in anger whenever Klaus showed up covered in bruises from fists or mouths or both. Sometimes after a bad trip, Ben would shake him and tell him that he was going to die if he kept this up. Even the tears in Ben's eyes wouldn't stop his hand from reaching for the next bottle, pill, or syringe. Perhaps Klaus couldn't love anyone more than himself even Ben. He hated himself more for that because deep down he was doing all this to protect that little boy inside himself that never stopped being terrified of the world around him.

His first overdose was at age 17. He woke up from a nightmare and lost it. He couldn’t get the voices to stop echoing even after his usual cocktail of drugs. So he decided to take something that a (in the loosest sense) friend had given him. It was some new street drug they got from a friend of a friend who sweared it would give you the trip of your life. How he suppose to know that it would try to give him a trip straight hell as it caused him to go into cardiac arrest. When he woke up, it wasn't to Ben's face but Dad's .

He tuned out the same old speech about how disappointed he was in Klaus and how he was poisoning himself. His stash had been confiscated again (at least all of what Dad could find). What really got to him was how Ben wasn't there when he woke up. At first he thought he would come later but a full day passed without a glimpse of him. It wasn’t until the third day of lying in their makeshift infirmary when Ben visited him.

Something was different though. It was like in three days, Ben had aged. He was disheveled with slumped shoulders and a deep frown. He wouldn’t meet Klaus in the eye as he spoke, “I was the one who found you. There you were on the ground, foaming at the mouth. I thought you died on me until I felt your pulse. Then you started convulsing, it was terrifying and there was nothing I could do but go get Mom and pray you didn't die before she could save you. I was so relieved at first and then I was angry. How could you do this to me? To yourself?”

Klaus didn't know how to respond as Ben finally turned to look at him again. His eyes were red from crying and the bags under his eye were a bruised purple. Ben continued, “Then I realized that you are the product of the fucked up shit that goes on around here. It isn’t your fault Klaus. What I am really angry at is this situation we have been put in. I wish we both never had these powers so you would have no reason to drug yourself to oblivion and I wouldn't have this thing always inside me. But here we are. This is reality Klaus and you need to stop trying to leave it because I might not be able to follow you around one day and stop you from hurting yourself. So please try to get better or at the very least never give me a repeat performance of this again.”

Klaus couldn't in good conscience say that he would never use again as that was untrue but he could say that would at least try to never overdose as far as he could help it.

“I promise to try not overdose again,” Klaus said. His stomach twisted at the look of mistrust in Ben's eyes before he nodded.

From there Ben went on a full on crusade to get him clean. He cleared out most of his secret stashes that even Pogo could never find. Ben started to sneak out with him to make sure he didn't do anything too crazy. Klaus would complain and whine but deep down he adored this and him.

When they turned 18, they moved out of the house like most of the rest of their siblings did. Ben and him stuck together though and got an apartment together. It was a shithole but it was their shithole. Ben was working on his education (He wanted to be a nurse) while working part time jobs to make ends meet. Klaus did random odd jobs and tried to maintain some semblance of a routine. He still did drugs but tried to limit himself to just enough to stop the voices. As the years went on, Ben got him to do various stints in rehab but his addiction always bounced back. They would have terrible fights over this because Ben wanted him to get better but didn't understand to Klaus, this was better. But they always reconciled because they were better together as Ben and Klaus.

Ben became a nurse who helped people and Klaus bought him a ton of ugly scrubs. It got lonelier as Ben's hours made him get home later and later. Klaus uped his doses so the highs would last longer and longer. He should've grown up and stopped being jealous of Ben who had a life and a job. But the vindictive bitch inside of him was so upset that Ben didn’t need him not like Klaus needed him.

It was late one night and Ben wasn't home still. Klaus had stumbled home after a night out. He thought it was nothing so he curled up on the couch to wait for him. Klaus must have fallen asleep because by the time he woke up it was morning. He woke up to Ben leaning over him. He let out an undignified scream before saying, "Ben, what the hell.” Strangely enough Ben didn't laugh or crack a grin like he usually did when he managed to sneak up on him but looked deeply depressed. Furthermore what was strange was that he wasn't wearing his pjs or his scrubs but his outfit from last night. Klaus's phone buzzed violently before he could ask anymore questions. He had gotten a bunch of missed calls and texts. The one at the top was from one of Ben's work friends reading, “Ben is in bad shape. Pls call me back immediately.”

Then all the pieces stuck together and he just started sobbing. Ben was right there yet gone forever. He couldn't even look at Ben for the rest of the day which was the soberest day he had in awhile. Klaus made phone calls, went to collect the body, and made the necessary arrangements. Once he got that out of the way he did what he did best, self destruct. Klaus slammed most of his savings down at his usual dealer and got an ungodly amount of pills and powders. That was the start to a month long drug binge. Even now he barely remembers what happened that month. By the time he got out of it, he had lost his apartment, most of the family had blocked his number, and Ben's funeral had passed. The last night was the worst as he had mixed vodka with too many things and his heart started to ache ominously. He knew he could die but he thought about it for a moment and realized he didn't care at all. So he took an even bigger swig from the bottle and sat back. Suddenly Ben appeared before him which was strange as he was too fucked up to summon him. Then he heard the voice that he hadn't heard for over a month screaming, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DIE ON ME RIGHT NOW, I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN. I DIDN'T DIE FOR YOU TO END UP COMMITTING SUICIDE A MONTH LATER. WE HAD A DEAL YOU SON OF A BITCH. I'M PRETTY SURE YOU CAN HEAR ME GOD DAMMIT. CALL THE AMBULANCE RIGHT NOW.”

Klaus was startled at first but then the guilty feeling set in and soon enough he was on the phone asking for an ambulance. It was good he called right then because after the call ended, he passed out cold. He regained consciousness in the ambulance as they restarted his heart again. Klaus managed to pry his eyes open for a moment to look at Ben who was hovering over him with a worried expression. He smiled at him because leave it to Ben to worry about you even though he was the one who was dead.

Ben was still his everything aside from drugs. He was what kept him from ending it all at any moment. He talked him down from whatever stupid ass thing he was dying to try next. Ben still tried to get him clean but now used his shiny new excuse of I'm dead so you have to listen to me. Klaus had lost his brother, best friend, and first love yet at the same time he still was always there but they could never touch. It seemed unfair that the universe took away people like Ben who had so much to live for but kept people like Klaus alive who were better off dead. Although he was grateful for his powers just this once because at least he could have Been by his side. Klaus remained living out of spite, obligation, and perhaps out of hope. The hope was that one day he would find a purpose that would justify all the shit he had put through in this life. So that one day Ben would look at him and stop being so afraid or ashamed. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this and i would love to hear your thoughts or general reactions. My tumblr is @honeyedbuns if you want to talk about umbrella academy.


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